


I Get This Ache That Threatens To Destroy Me

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25930174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being in love with you."
Relationships: Jean-Luc Picard/Q
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60
Collections: Star Trek Bingo Summer 2020





	I Get This Ache That Threatens To Destroy Me

They preferred not to talk about things. It was easier, that way. How would they even begin? I'm a Q. You're a human. We shouldn't be together anyway, but here we are, and oh no, I'm starting to get feelings again and I don't know what to do.

Picard would listen to him. Of course he would. He might not be good about talking about his own feelings, but he wasn't bad at listening to others. He would look at Q with his patient, oh-so-human eyes and ask him what was wrong, and once again Q wouldn't know what to say and for a moment he would wish that he could start crying like mortals did when they were upset like this, but no, he wouldn't wish any aspect of mortality on himself. So it was back to square one, as it were.

Q was okay with not talking about things. It was easier, that way. It seemed like Picard was okay with it, too. That is, he never made a move to talk about it. So the two would just sit together drinking tea or reading classic literature or just being together, feeding upon each others' presences, and they wouldn't talk about it.

But sometimes it itched at Q. He wanted to burst out, We shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong. This is unnatural. I shouldn't even be sitting with you right now. Don't get closer because it might make something awaken in me and then I can't control myself and suddenly we're in bed and my mouth is all over you and I feel somehow so, so beautiful, in a way the Continuum could never make me feel.

They were together on Picard's bed and Picard was reading and Q was staring at the ceiling and its patterns, imagining decks of people above them bustling around. Picard's lips moved softly as he read, speaking the lines semi-aloud. It hurt how much Q loved him, and suddenly, he felt it rising up in his mouth and he wanted to scream, and what he ended up saying was,

"I'm sorry."

Picard stopped reading semi-aloud. He put a bookmark in his copy of Hamlet. "What are you sorry about?" he asked. Of course he would say that. That was just like him. Of course he would have no idea just how much Q cared about him, and how much it hurt him, how much it was hurting the Q Continuum.

"I'm sorry for being in love with you," Q said.

Picard did the thing where his forehead wrinkled in the center between his eyebrows. Q thought it was cute, but this wasn't the time to be thinking such things as that. "Q, why would you be sorry about that?"

Of course he would say that! He was so clueless! Q couldn't believe it. Oh, no, yes, he could believe it! This was Jean-Luc Picard he was talking about! Of course!

Q's hands were shaking, and he felt a horrible lump in his throat, but he still had his powers and this was the closest he was ever going to get to crying, because that just made things worse. "We shouldn't be together," he said. His voice was panicky and thin. He sounded like he was trapped in a corner, and he was being pressed into the walls, becoming smaller and smaller. "You're a mortal. You're a human. And I'm a Q. We shouldn't be doing this."

Picard looked as if he were about to say something, and then he stopped. Then he started again. "Q," he said quietly, "are you all right?"

That broke him. Oh, it broke him so hard. "No, I'm not all right!" he exclaimed. "Of course I'm not all right! I'm stressed all the time because I'm worried the Continuum is going to cast me out because of you. It hurts to hold a human form sometimes because I'm terrified I'll be stuck that way. I want to never let you go but I'm scared what will happen if I don't. I love you so much I can't even express it, and I can speak any language I want to! I know you know that we shouldn't be together, and we never talk about it, and I know we need to talk about it, but I can't, and so we don't, and I get this ache that threatens to destroy me, and-"

He couldn't talk any more. The words had been torn from his mouth, and he was left breathless. He couldn't meet Picard's eyes, so he looked at his hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. He knew that if he wanted, he could stop them from shaking by using his powers but for some reason he wanted Picard to know how upset he was.

Q felt Picard place a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "Q," Picard's voice said, and his voice was so calm and good that Q wanted to shatter into a million pieces. "I'm sorry you feel this way."

"You'll never know how bad it is," Q muttered. "To feel this way, I..."

"No," said Picard, "I won't." The hand on Q's shoulder turned into an arm around him. "But I can try to understand. I can listen. I can be there for you. And really, that's all I can do."

Picard's other hand found its way over one of Q's shaking hands and held it. His fingers were warm and soft and so tender. "I know," Q said. He sounded so pathetic. He hated his voice. He had half a mind to change his vocal cords so he wouldn't sound so weak. But he didn't.

"Tell me," said Picard. "Tell me how you feel."

Q took in and let out a shaky breath. "I'm scared the Continuum will make me mortal again because I love you," he said. "I don't want to be human. And when I think about the Continuum turning me into a human I start thinking about dying, and I start thinking about dying with you, and then I start thinking how I don't know how I'll be able to go on when you're gone. There's this hurt inside me that nothing can fix but being with you. I love you so much I don't know what to do with myself."

For a moment, Picard didn't say anything. Then, he squeezed Q's hand. "I think about it too," he admitted. "How I'm... just a mortal, and you're a Q. How, by all odds, we should have never ended up together. Any interspecies relationship is difficult, but this one, especially so. It's a relationship that's never happened before. A human and a Q. It's unprecedented."

"The Continuum would rather we don't set the precedent," said Q bitterly.

"But we have, and we will," said Picard. "The Continuum is just going to have to deal with that." His fingers curled around Q's. "Because nothing is going to seperate us."

"But the Continuum-" Q began, and the quivering thing inside his chest wanted to come out.

"Q," said Picard, "don't think about the Continuum. Think about us. The Continuum fears us because we're stronger than it could ever be. You know that."

Q knew. He rested his head on Picard's shoulder. He could feel Picard breathing, gentle and rhythmic. He tried to match Picard's breathing, and after a moment, their breathing was synchronized. It calmed Q.

After a while, Q said, "Thank you" quietly.

"I don't mind," said Picard simply.

Q took his head off Picard's shoulder and pressed his mouth to Picard's. Picard's lips were soft and good, and he tasted so human. They kissed slowly, but with passion, and it was all Q had ever needed.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my personal favorite out of the five fics I posted in the past hour for Star Trek Bingo! It's in a bit of a different style than I normally do, which was fun!  
> Thank you to the people who beta-ed this! I don't know your official internet names, so I can't name you, but I appreciate you a lot.  
> What did you think of it? :)


End file.
